Grief is physical

I had no idea grief could possibly be this intense.  When my mom moved in with Wes and I in January, I expected her to be with us for at least a year or two.  As an RN, it was easy to recognize the worsnening of her COPD.  I was totally unprepared to say “goodbye” to her just 4 months later.  It was a total shock to me whan she started a sudden and dramatic decline on Tuesday, May 25th.  Just the day before, mom had walked to the rear deck of our home and spent some very pleasurable time in the sun, feeding carrots to my pair of dwarf goats.  On Tuesday she was weak, with her  knees bucking as she tried to walk.  This is also the day she totally stopped eating.  On Statuday evening, May 29th, my dear mother quietly stopped breathing in her sleep.  I will blog at a later time of the many special memories of her final 5 days on this earth.

I did OK initally.  There were not many plans to make as she had pre-arranged everything.  I had a ton of support from my husband, sons, church family, co-workers and on-line friends. Her funeral was beautiful, I even showed two video clips of her at her best! I was not prepared for the intense grieving that decended upon me suddenly 2 1/2 weeks after her death!  I have already been to the doctor because I cannot not sleep.  I had become so accostumed to staying up with her through the night on her final days.  The Ambien has helped immensly.  But now I am experiencing horrible stomach aches, chest  pains and waves of emotion that have me sobbing (belly heaves) out of the blue.  Fortunately the sobbing attacks only last but a few minutes and they are gone and I am emotionally ok again.  But the pain and craving of junk food is continuous.  I miss her more than words can describe.  This is not something I expected or have any control over.  My grief is so physcial, at the core of my being.  In my head,I know she is with Jesus and in glory without pain.  I just can’t explain why my body is reacting so greatly and my emotions are defying me.  I can only hope this too will pass.

I have been very busy and not posting to my blog!  I spent most of the winter nursing a broken tail bone, so no horse/mule training or fitness work.  Now, in addition to working full time, I am the full-time caretaker for my oxygen-dependent, aged mother.  Never a dull moment!  I have had two rides on Reliance this spring.  The first was only about 5 minutes in duration, all on the end of the lead line.  The second, was 15 minutes in length.  A combination of in-hand and with the assistant in the center of the round pen.  Reliance did very will for both rides in spite of my mistakes.  For now I will focus on ground work because the indoor round pen I was using is not available.  It is currently being enlarged into a miniature indoor arena.  At the end of this month, I have some friends from my MulesOnly group that are coming to Waterloo to assist me in taking Reliance out on the trails for the first time.

<object width=”480″ height=”385″><param name=”movie” value=”http://www.youtube.com/v/qckhqpGn_dk&hl=en_US&fs=1&”></param><param name=”allowFullScreen” value=”true”></param><param name=”allowscriptaccess” value=”always”></param><embed src=”http://www.youtube.com/v/qckhqpGn_dk&hl=en_US&fs=1&” type=”application/x-shockwave-flash” allowscriptaccess=”always” allowfullscreen=”true” width=”480″ height=”385″></embed></object>

Willow is home

     My new miniature filly, Willow came home on Monday, September 14, 2009.  Other than getting a bit jumpy after closing the trailer door, the move was quite uneventful.  I worried about working the first night.  I wanted to keep a close eye on her, but she did just fine.  Weaning is almost as painful for me as it is for her!  I want to sit out there with her to keep her company!She cries a bit when I walk away from her pen, but beyond that she is adjusting well.  She will be getting a pigmy goat baby as a companion on Monday 9/28.

     This evening I took Willow for a walk on the lead line down the country road where I live.  I am having a roof built over her stall for shelter and needed her out of the way for the post hole digger.  She walked like a champ!  It took only minor corrections to keep her walking beside me with her nose at my hip,  one arm’s length away.  She didn’t even seem to notice the cars as they came down the road.  Willow is not spooky in any way!  Wes and I walked her a second time after he arrived home with the same result.  I didn’t want to do the entire 2 1/2 mile trek around the block because it was her first walk with us and I expect a very short attention span.  For a weanling of only 5 months, I think she’s awesome!

The Plan

Well, I purchased 6 pair of cavalettli stands.  I will begin working Sargent over them as soon as I get a day off.  I will be cancelling my Friday rides with Dennis Reis for this September.  I have been doing a lot of research and the best way to build Sarge’s muscle and break his tendency to pace is to work him at the walk  for several months over poles, cavalettis, up and down hills, backing etc.  It makes no sense to ask for increased speed if all he gives me is a pace…it is like practicing the wrong thing! At the Reis Rides, we work all 3 gaits.  Because Sargent is limited to walking for physical reasons, I will opt out.  Building him up is so much more important than my earning the endorsements!  I also found a parelli trainer in California that specializes in gaited horses and has a DVD combo on gaited training to help them find their gait the natural way.  I will be sending out my order tonight.

I am glad to learn that I can build him up and still be riding him, even if only at the walk.  I enjoy trails and we can walk them, no problem.  I will ask for a vertical frame for a few strides, then release.  Ask, release, and so on.  Another good exercise I found is to ask them to side pass over a cavaletti pole.  I will keep looking for more exercises so I can keep this fitness thing interesting!  He is not sore any more, so I can’t wait to get started.  Too bad work has to get in the way!

Not as bas as I feared

Dr. Cawley was out to see Sargent yesterday.  On the morning of day #3 of the Brent Graeff clinic, Sargent’s left stifle locked up.  When it unlocked, there was a loud pop followed by severe lameness.  I was devastated!  Sarge has had leg issues come and go.  Seems like now that I am working him more, there are more issues.  I was beginning to fear that he may not be a rideable horse!  In today’s economy,  the future of a non-useful horse is not too promising.  I am SO attached to Saragent, I spent 3 days anguishing over how to proceed.  Then my vet came…

The lameness following the stifle lock-up will heal fine.  She prescribed him one week off training, Bute 2x/day and a dexamethasone/furisone/DMSO ointment messaged into the joint daily for 1 week.  The bigger issue is his recurring leg problems.  Well…he does have poor conformation, toes out in front, cowhocked in rear, over-reaches.  But, these issues can all be compensated for with FITNESS.  Sargent has virtually NO muscle in his hips or shoulders.  We need to put his training on hold and I must become his Personal Trainer.  Sargent and I need to get fit together.   If figures I fell in love with an animal as imperfect at I am!  It doesn’t help that he was malnourished for the first year of his life.  He had a poor start,  but not it’s time for tough love, LOL!

Dr. Cawley gave me a list of exercises to help build Sargent’s muscle strength…lounging/sending over cavalettis, lounging/sending up and down hills, backing him in hand the full length of the arena.  She suggested beginning with 10 minutes of cavaletti work, 10 minutes of hill work and backing the arena x2.  This workout will be done 3-4 times weekly.  Slowly, I will build him up to double time for cavaletti and hill work and 4 arena length back ups.  Since all of this will be done with me on the ground, I will also improve my own fitness.

Dr. Cawley also suggested I find a quality gaited horse trainer to help me assist Sargent in finding his gait once again.  He did a great running walk when I first began ridding him, but now he only paces.  I found a Parelli instructor on-line that also specializes in gaited horses.  I will plan to purchase his DVD’s on gaited training.  He does things the natural way and that’s how I want to train Sarge.  Additionally, she suggested I put him on Cosiquin.  I ordered some from Valley Vet today on-line.  I also bought some cavaletti stands and an amino acid muscle building supplement.  I am committed to helping Sargent reach his full potential.

Unfortunately, we will have to miss the Dennis Reis Ohio Tour Stop on September 11.  Sargent and I will not be ready for the evaluations.  I hope we are up to participating in the Michigan Tour Stop on September 25/26.  I think we’ll make it!

Sargent is LAME!

I arrived at the barn at 8:20 to begin getting Sargent ready for day#3 of the clinic.  I brought him into the grooming shoot, not noticing anything unsusal.  After brushing his body, mane and tail, I moved to picking out his feet.  The 4th hoof I asked him to pick up was his left hind.  He NEVER resists picking up his rears, but often does his fronts.  When I finally got his left rear off the ground, he was locked at the hock and would not flex it.  When the joint did flex, there was a loud “pop” and Sargent jumped!  He was then extreme sore on that leg.

I walked him aroung the arena and he was definately “gimpy.”  IT was unclear if the problem was in the hock or hip in the left hind.  Several times, the leg seems to simply buckle out from beneath him, causing him to stumble.  I could not identify any obvious cause for the problem.  There was no swelling in the leg or joints, no heat, no kick marks, nothing to suggest a reason for the sudden and extreme lameness.

I watched the morning session of the clinic, but found it hard to focus on the class.  I am very devastated.  I am beginning to wonder if Sargent’s conformation is poor enough to prevent him from being a servicable/ridable horse.  I cannot afford to board a pasture pet.  But, I fear what Sargent’s future might be if I do not keep him.  Who will want a horse that is not useful, but still has may years of life in him??  Even if someone wanted a pasture mate for their horse, I cannot help but think about the future when that person no longer wants or needs him.  The Michigan economy is BAD: many very nice, well broke/sound horses have been sent to slaughter.  I have to stop thinking about it until I see Dr. Ryaml and find out exactly what is going on.  I hope to be able to take him into the clinic tomorrow for an evaluation.

Day #2 of Brent Graeff clinic

Day 2 went well.  It was a little exciting at the beginning when a paint horse began bucking in the tack shoot.  This got Sargent a bit riled, but it did not last long. Every one setteled after Brent worked with this horse a bit.  It was interesting to watch the change while Brent worked him without getting loud or harsh. 

  I need to list all of the exercises we have worked on so I can remember them and be able to practice them.  I’ll begin with the 3 hardest, then the 3 easiest on the ground, then the 3 easiset and hardest under saddle, then everything else:

Hardest ground school

1.  Take Sargent for a walk, conisitently keeping him exactly where I want him while I speed and slow my pace.  I need to ask him to slow with a gentle downward giggle of my lead rope at the level of his muzzle and about 1 foot in front of it.  I have to time each movement of the lead to when each of his front feet are just about to leave the gound.  I hold the lead with my palm down and roll my wrist (pinky tward the floor) to ask him to slow.  At the same time, I think slower (or faster).  When he pushes through the halter and gets too far forward, a sharp downward snap on the halter by rolling my wrist down will correct him and ask him to get back in his place.

2 Send Sargent on a circle, ask for a disengagement of the hindquaters, then a back-up before his feet come to a stop.  To accomplish this, I take my leading hand and slide it down the lead line to the knot on the halter and step toward his hip.  When he takes a step or two with his inside hind crossing in front of his outside hind, I change my intention and think and direct him to back up.  If his feet get stuck, I need to rock the halter side to side.  Again, I grasp the knot on the halter with my palm down.  I ask-release slightly when he takes a step, ask again-release…and release completely when he backs with vertical softness.

3.  Direct Sargent to look at something by visualizing him looking at it and very softly giving him a slight feel in that direction.  This helps if you are tipping his mind toward something or someone he might have an interest in.

Three easiest ground school:

1.  Have Sargent follow the feel of the rope around his rump.  This is the same exercise that I have done with Reliance.  Take the rope under his neck, across his back and around his hocks on the outside.  Stand back  by the inside hip eand give him a gentle feel asking him to tip his nose and follow the feel around,turning to face you.

2. Lateral Flexion.  Sargent is very good at leteral flexion.  Really, too good.  I need to correct his over flexing and allow him to only flex about 1/4 as far as he usually does.  This was not difficult to correct.  It only tool a subtle raising of my hand to tell him that was far enough.

3. Lower Sargent’s head without pressure.  Sargent readily lowers his head if he understnads that I am asking him to.  We learned that there are may ways to ask him to lower it:  Hand on the nos, pole, arms hugging neck, direction with lead line, ect.  We practiced asking with more than one method.

Grouund school, everything else:

1.  Send Sargent in a circle and do transitions  Speed up the walk, ask for a gait, bring back to a walk.  See how little it can take to accomplish this.

2. Send Sargent in a circle. Ask his inside hind to step beneath his body without stopping his forward motion.  Ask Sargent to go off on a circle.  Just efore his inside hind leave the ground, raise my leading hand and bring it up tward my opposite shoulder-tward his hip (without taking all the slack out of the line)  Then, immediately lower my hand and move it forward twoard his nose to direct him forward.

3 Back Sargent off the knot on the halter. Grasp the knot on the halter with palm down and give signal up and back to direct his feet back.  Pull and release in time with the diagnal pairs of his feet.  I’m looking for him to first yeild and back up.  Next I want him to back straight. Third I want him to have proper foot fall of diagnal pairs.  Lastly, I want his knees lifted and him backing with energy.

Under saddle 1 hardest:

1. Ride on an S pattern.  Rather than riding along the rail, ride an S pattern tward then away from the rail.  Keep Sargent’s body following his nose rather than having more bend inhis neck than in his body.  I need to remember to look UP and in the direction I want him to go.  This will help him to find that place.  Don’t look at his ears, but let his ears be just in my peripheral vision.  I heed to bring my hands straight back tward my waist to signal direction to him rather than down tward my thigh.

Under saddle,everything else

1. The 1 rein stop.  Bring the inside rein up and back tward my belly button while at the same time pressing the inside stirrup just behind the girth to signal his inside hind leg to step across and in front of his outside hind leg.  Release when he both steps his hind up under and stops.

2. Disengage the hind quaters 90 degrees then move the shoulder around another 90 degrees.  This involves changing from an indirect rien as you disengage the hind just like in a one rein stop to a direct rein. Now you are leading his (now) inside front to come around while at the same time tapping or applying your inside leg to his shoulder.  This asks  the inside front to step over in front of the outside one.

 

  The things I need to remember so far…I need to keep my energy low and relaxed.  I need to mentally visualize what I want Sargent to do.  Wehn signaling in hand, I need to give subtle movements on the lead.  I have to use my lead rope onthe ground in the same direction as I will the reins when onhis back.  I have a tendency to pull DOWN on the lead rope.  I will not be able to use this same signal on his back.  I need to signal up and back instead.  Under saddle, by biggest issues are looking down at Sargent rather than where I want to go and pulling down on the rien rather than straight back.

Ok….I’m off to the barn for day #3!

Weight loss slow, but in the right direction

Well, I have lost only 1.2 pounds so far.  With all of the physical activity I have had in the past week, I would have expected so much more.  However, I will not allow myself to get discouraged! My eating habits are improving.  I’ve been craving fruits and vegetables.  I have some pretty sore muscles…arms, legs, glutes with the steped up training of  my equines.

Last weekend,  Wes and I spent 2 days filming at the Gladwin Antique Carriage Festival.  This involved a ton of lugging equipment and climbing into/out of a pick up truck’s bed where the tripod was set up.  On Monday eve, myself and a local teen loaded 12 round pen panels into the back of my truck.  On Tuesday, a woman and I unloaded the same panels and set up the round pen where I board.  Then, for the next 6 hours (in heat and humidity) I was taught how to work with my mule.  By the end of the day, both Reliance and I had had enough.  Only, I still had to return the round pen.  Wes and Steve took it down and loaded it up.  However, it was Wes and I that unloaded it at the owner’s farm.  I was really sore!

Fast forward 3 days.  Today was the first day of a 3-day horse clinic.  We spent 3 hours doing ground school which involved walking fast, show, shuffle and small circles.  I’m not sure why this affected me so much, but my thighs and glutes are very sore and we have two more days to go.  Even if the scale is not moving much yet, I KNOW I am increasing my fitness!

Today’s weight before dressing this morning 197.4

I dressed Reliance all by myself!

Yesterday I went to the barn to practice what Steve Edwards taught Reliance and I. Reliance offered NO resistance to entering the barn today! Hooray!! I brought him into the indoor arena and lead him around a bit. Then I asked Reliance to stand ground tied. He did so-so. I spent about 10 minutes working on correcting his looking all about. This was our main focus…not looking to the left or right, but keeping his attention focused on me.

Next, I brought the saddle pad over and bumped it all over his body on both sides. The accepted this without moving his feet. Then I introduced the saddle. I was still a bit clumbsy in my approach, but it will get better I am sure with practice. Reliance kept turning to face me, thus evading my approaching his side. Bump…Bump…Bump on the come-along hitch. On the second approach, he stood pretty still (only tiny baby-step foot movements) and allowed me to place the saddle on his back. He stood great for all my adjusting. I opted not to place the martingale on because I did not have sole use of the arena.

I moved him around the arena at a walk and trot with the rope halter. No problem. He even walked through the trust candles all tacked up with only mild resistance. Reliance stood ground tied while I un-tacked him. I put him back out to pasture, very satisfied!

Brent Greaff clinic with Sargent

Today I worked for 3 hours with Sargent in a clinic given at the farm where I am boarding. The clinician is Brent Greaff. I am very impressed with his layed-back style and how well the horses respond to it. I learned that Sargent has a tendency to move away from things that worry him in a lateral direction. He also “disconnects” his head and neck from his shoulders. This means that he over-flexes his neck to the side…more curve than is in the rest of his body. He does ths same thing under saddle. I know that I have taught him to do this with repeated lateral-flexion exercises. I have rewarded this and he is only giving me what he thinks I want.

The exercise I learned the most from was directing Sargent to walk on a circle, then asking him to reach his inside hind leg underneath himself, but still move forward (not totally disengage the hind quarters). It took MANY attempts before I got over feeling very akward asking for this. I am beginning to understand the difference between”force” and “feel.” I also liked the how we are timing our “feel” when a foot is about to leave the ground. We practiced asking our horse to walk fast, slow and do the “Tom Dorrence shuffle”. As each front foot was about to leave the ground, we would show our horse by feel what speed we wanted him to walk. This was WAY COOL.

I have 2 more days of the clinic. Today was all on the ground. Tomorrow will be a combination of ground school and under saddle. Sunday…well, we will see. I am so glad I signed up for this!