I had no idea grief could possibly be this intense. When my mom moved in with Wes and I in January, I expected her to be with us for at least a year or two. As an RN, it was easy to recognize the worsnening of her COPD. I was totally unprepared to say “goodbye” to her just 4 months later. It was a total shock to me whan she started a sudden and dramatic decline on Tuesday, May 25th. Just the day before, mom had walked to the rear deck of our home and spent some very pleasurable time in the sun, feeding carrots to my pair of dwarf goats. On Tuesday she was weak, with her knees bucking as she tried to walk. This is also the day she totally stopped eating. On Statuday evening, May 29th, my dear mother quietly stopped breathing in her sleep. I will blog at a later time of the many special memories of her final 5 days on this earth.
I did OK initally. There were not many plans to make as she had pre-arranged everything. I had a ton of support from my husband, sons, church family, co-workers and on-line friends. Her funeral was beautiful, I even showed two video clips of her at her best! I was not prepared for the intense grieving that decended upon me suddenly 2 1/2 weeks after her death! I have already been to the doctor because I cannot not sleep. I had become so accostumed to staying up with her through the night on her final days. The Ambien has helped immensly. But now I am experiencing horrible stomach aches, chest pains and waves of emotion that have me sobbing (belly heaves) out of the blue. Fortunately the sobbing attacks only last but a few minutes and they are gone and I am emotionally ok again. But the pain and craving of junk food is continuous. I miss her more than words can describe. This is not something I expected or have any control over. My grief is so physcial, at the core of my being. In my head,I know she is with Jesus and in glory without pain. I just can’t explain why my body is reacting so greatly and my emotions are defying me. I can only hope this too will pass.
